Two ways of responding to conflict that will NEVER resolve

[wendy]

I really liked this post and Alan has given me permission to share with you.
He asked me to say if anyone has any questions please get in touch with him. alan@caos-conflict-management.co.uk


As a mediator and conflict coach I see a lot of people who are involved in unresolved conflict. All of us are at some point in our lives. Many of us have ongoing unresolved conflict with someone or a group of people that may 'flare up' from time to time but never really goes away. There can be an easy 'default' to thinking there is something 'wrong' with people who are experiencing an unresolved conflict but if we take a look into ourselves, we can see there's nothing wrong with experiencing conflict in itself, and in fact it is unavoidable in a world of change and difference. What matters is how we respond to it.

As a response to fear we talk of there being a 'fight or flight' response and the responses to conflict have their equivalent: 'competition or avoidance'. Unfortunately neither are effective responses to a conflict as the ways in which they manifest are never directed towards creating resolution.

Competition

When we compete within a conflict we are determined to be proved 'right' and the other person 'wrong' - and further to that, when they don't accept our assertion of being right we are likely to move towards suggestions that they are also 'bad' alongside being wrong, and of course, in contrast, we are 'good'. The reason this fails as an effective response to conflict is that the energy is not devoted to exploring our differences, with a view to creating something that works for us both, or accommodating that we see things differently, only asserting our 'rightness' and 'goodness'. And of course, in response to that assertion, or it may have been their own initial response, the other person will assert that they are 'right' and even that we are 'bad' so we get a mirrored response, like two people or groups of people in a tug-of-war, with no-one giving an inch while becoming progressively more stressed and worn out, going nowhere.

A competitive response is a futile approach because what is 'right for me' may not be 'right for you' but at the same time neither of us is 'wrong', just that my right would be wrong for you and your right would be wrong for me. If we can see that as fascinating, we are on a path to creativity and growth. If we see it as frustrating and annoying and due to something that arises from YOU being deficient or 'lesser' in some way to me, we are not on any kind of path, we are stuck in a place of stagnation and decay.

So for example, in mediation cases I will often hear descriptions of the person someone is in dispute with as 'arrogant', 'unreasonable', 'not a good communicator' or even stronger terms but all are focused on the person rather than what is happening and why what is happening isn't working.

I often describe this as a never ending tennis match of 'labels and criticism' where you call me something so I call you something back. You call me something worse, and I call you something worse back. All the time I am thinking I've made the best shot, but then you come back with something. In time I get tired, and you get tired but 'pride' and 'determination' and 'righteousness' keeps us going. Standing up for myself…blah, blah. Unfortunately the damage this does to both of us and any others involved is overlooked as the battle progresses, a bit like 'trench-warfare' where the howitzers are blasting away from each side at the other but no movement forward occurs, and in the midst of the shelling, destruction, violence and despair is perpetuated.

Can you think of any situations in the world at present where that is a feature of how the situation is responded to? Where we are so clear that the other 'side' is 'wrong' that we keep playing the tennis match, (or sending over the bombers) but it has been going on for years and years and years, and very little has changed. In fact nothing has changed, there are just different ways in which it manifests, through different people, through different actions, but the root conflict remains unresolved. Because the way of responding is fundamentally ineffective.

'Remember, when you point a finger at someone, there are always three more pointing back at you'. Anonymous

The above saying can sound quite trite or superficial, but actually it is a simple but profound representation of the world of blame and criticism that can be seen in any unresolved conflict. The blind justification for 'revenge' for example is clearly reflected in its message, and it is a clear description of the competitive approach to conflict.

So what about Avoidance, the other ineffective response to conflict?

The other common response to conflict that never works as a way of resolving it is to 'avoid' the person or persons with whom we are experiencing a difficulty. If we manage to do that for a period of time then it can be a seductive response as we tell ourselves the problem has 'gone away'. We tell ourselves the problem is over and the situation is 'resolved'. Unfortunately what we've not done is found a way of supporting ourselves in the presence of the person's behaviour which we found difficult - we see the problem as being about the person and not their behaviour. As a result we will inevitably come across others who behave in the same way in the future and because it seemed to work before, we will seek to avoid them as well.

In time however, our lives become focused on avoiding 'people like that' and so the conflict has not been resolved in any way, it has now become integrated into how we live our lives. On our training courses I give an example such as "If I don't like it when people wear orange, I will continually see, and then seek to avoid people who wear orange. In time I'll hardly go out as I will see people wearing orange all over the place. The day I resolve my difficulty with the behaviour of 'wearing orange', I will be free to go wherever I like and in time will not even notice people wearing orange any more than people wearing any other colour."

If we substitute the behaviour of 'wearing orange' with any other behaviour we find difficult the same will apply. All the time we seek to avoid it we will see it everywhere, even to the point of thinking there's a conspiracy against us. But when we find a way of resolving our difficulty with the behaviour in a way in which we can support ourselves when we come across it, we will genuinely have resolved the situation - and the other person(s) may not even know we had a problem with them.

Some find it controversial to say this, but this is a feature of many people who feel they have been bullied in a series of different places, perhaps at school, and then at different workplaces. Behaviour they see as 'bullying' is behaviour that, for whatever reason they haven't yet found a way of supporting themselves in the presence of, and so they experience it in a range of different places - until they find a way of responding differently to the behaviour they see as bullying which supports themselves more effectively in its presence.

Avoid 'Negative People'?

I often hear a refrain that goes something like - "In order to succeed or to be happy you have to get rid of negative people in your life". I've rarely found anyone who claims to have done that who is genuinely happy, perhaps successful in an outward material sense, but happy?…rarely (never actually, but I'm open to the possibility). And why is that? Well in my view the very intention is a negative intention and so the person who decides to pursue such an aim could be seen as a 'negative person' through taking such a view of others, and so they end up having to avoid themselves if they are to achieve their aim. But also, their projection of 'negative' on to the people they see that way is subjective and so, until they recognise their difficulty with how those people are, and can create a self-supporting response to that behaviour, they will always see 'negative' people around them and will spend most of their time and energy trying to avoid them rather than live their life in a place of contentment with whoever is around them. This 'place of peace' around others is an ideal that we may all wish to attain, but I'd contest that it is ever possible by 'getting rid of negative people' in our lives.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Victor E.Frankl

When we don't allow the space that Victor E.Frankl is referring to we resort to a 'reactive' response to our situation - or reaction might be an easier and shorter way of saying it! Competition and avoidance are reactions that arise when we don't have an effective response to a conflict we experience - that is, one that works for us, and, in turn, works for others as well. An effective response is one that does not resort to 'fight or flight' / 'competition or avoidance'. It is preceded by a space to reflect on and consider the choices we have over how we respond, or even in which to create responses we may not have previously considered. That awareness of choice is freedom, the creativity within our choice leads to growth.

So how do we respond to conflict in a way that IS effective?

This was dealt with in an earlier post: How to Use Conflict as an Opportunity. Suffice to say, it is an approach where we don't seek to change or avoid others, it is one where we take responsibility for what we have the power to change - ourselves.

Please share any comments or views or questions you have about this article in the comments section below….

Alan Sharland is Director of CAOS Conflict Management a Mediation, Conflict Coaching and Conflict Management provider organisation based in London, UK. He recently published a book on the topic of workplace bullying: How to Resolve Bullying in the Workplace - Stepping out of the Circle of Blame to Create an Effective Outcome for All, and provides mediation, conflict coaching and training to support organisations in dealing more effectively with unresolved conflict and one-to-one coaching for HR professionals and Team Leaders on managing conflict in the workplace.

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