Advice please ??/

[chenrezig]

A lady I know (not a Chiller I hasten to add) is giving me some “stress” for want of a better word.

Every now and then she is determined that I ought to do what she suggests.  A couple of examples:

She is determined that I should move from the flat that I am in. For the second time she has tried to set me up with a flat viewing – usually near her. This one costs nearly £60 more than I am paying at present, and assures me she will “help me out”.

She has tried to set me up with jobs, passing on my phone number without asking me first, giving me tips on job hunting. Trying to get me to go for work near her – the other side of the city and rather further..

It makes me uncomfortable, it embarrasses me. I tell her every time she brings up “suggestions” I am happy as I am (apart from not having a job). No way would I move away from my family, no way I would move to a more expensive flat, (even if as she say she will help me out - and even help me move).

I can only guess that she is scared of being on her won as her OH is quite frail now, and sees me as her “security” after he passes away.

I have thought of writing a letter to her, the main reason being, I confess I would not want to be around as I know she would be upset.. Plus she can “fly off the handle” on occasion… the letter something along the lines…

“Dear ********,

I appreciate our friendship, and I do believe you mean well, but I am getting to be anxious about meeting up for coffee etc., as I wonder what you will suggest I do next. I need to have the confidence to make my own decisions.

I am quite happy in my little flat; I am in walking distance of my brother, sister-in-law, niece and her husband and a great-nephew and niece.  I live in an area where I have lived all my life with people I have known from when I was born.

As to what I should do re job-hunting tips, I spent seven years teaching people how to do CV’s, interviews etc –all of which I am doing now even though to date I haven’t yet got work.

????????????????????

??????????????????”

Yrsss

Any comments welcome …

[maureenho]

Firstly with your friend offering to pay the difference on a flat she has not thought how you would manage if anything happened to her.

I don't mean to sound rude but your friend is taking over your life and this will hold you back,  it's preventing you building yourself a life.

Stick to your guns Liz, no one should tell you how to organize your life, I would suggest you say to your friend you want to take a little time out from the friendship as it's stressing you out and need time to think about your future.

It's your Life Liz and you make your own right or wrong choices, you have to sometimes put yourself first.

[wendy]

I like what Maureen has replied and it makes a lot of sense.
I am not good when things go wrong, and just recently I have been upset by someone who I thought was a friend of over 28 years.
She wrote a letter to me, and I must say it took my breath away.  So I put it in the bin.  I  decided that havent got time for such nonsense.
My way of dealing with your problem would be busy every time she contacts me.  Say you have a friend coming round, I dont mind if you say it is me.  You can even say you cant talk as the friend is sitting in the living room.
I will be thinking of you and wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
I expect she means well, but you must stick up for yourself and protect yourself.
xx

[JaneJ]

My goodness. what strange behaviour.

Are you particularly close friends or long term?

I can see why you are concerned. I am concerned for you too. Looking at this with no other information from what you have put this lady sounds like she may have some mental health issues. I don't mean to be disrespectful but someone who sets up flat viewings and gives your number out for jobs is not what I would call friendship. I have some very close friends and also my family would never do this.

If a friendship makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious that isn't a friendship at all. look at other friends you have and how they love and respect you. they are supportive and unconditional in their feelings towards you I am sure.

sometimes it is easir to look at it through someone elses eyes. If you read the post you put as if it came from one of us how would you feel and what would you say>

You are a very strong and independent lady. You are clever and confident in things you do. Please don't let this lady take this away from you and make you doubt yourself and feel the way you do.

I do hope I haven't upset you with this reply but i am genuinely concerned for my lovey friend.

Take care Liz

xxx

gpr gpr gpr gpr

[chenrezig]

She used to be okay and we would have a good laugh n times together, but Just lately I have the impression she is trying to make me into a "mini-me/her".  She thinks she means well, but with not being able to "control" other aspects of her life, she is trying to replace that control by making decisions for me.. no way! Or she is dreading being alone when her  hubby  goes - he is quite a few years older than her n not in best of health -but that isn't my problem (not being callous)..

I do wonder if she is getting some form of dementia at times, re insisting we had agreed to meet on such n such date, when  I had told her I wasn't free. She refuses to believe it is ehr at fault.

For some reason I seem to attract people who are "in need" and it leaves me feeling really drained... being a Carer for Dad is one thing - family, but not getting dragged into caring for her as I can see where this might go if she had her way, but she isn't! If she wants to have one big row that is up to her, she will lose...

I can be really stubborn when I want to, and apart from not having a job at the moment I am quite happy with the way my life is, I have my hobbies, my knitting group who are mostly my own age, and weho i go out for meals with, and do daft thinngs woth (like going to the Palladium and being filmed for ITV !)  I have my voluntary work -with D2D, and the PACT shop across the road.  ... And of course my family ... including three great-nephews/nieces with another on the way !

MNo, Wendy, Jane, you have out excatky how I feel about it - I haven't looked on it as a friendship for some time now, and I have been trying to come with a nice (is there a nice way???) of breaking it up.

I will meet up this weekend as we arranged but after that weekend I will write her a letter and leave it at that ... up to her what she does next ...

Many thanks to all of you for what you have said, and your support, I wouldn't have dared to discuss this with anyone else other than in Chill., that is how much I respect and value its members ...

A huge hug to every single one of you ..

With much love

Liz xxxxx

[Honey]

step back liz , don't be manipulated.
hu****
x

[chenrezig]

A big thankyou and bunch of  flo33 to all of you for your advice and suggestions.

I was thinking of phoning her tonight.  But I am going to meet her tomorrow, and I will post the letter to her in the box outside where we meet for coffee at the same time. It seems sort of symbolic for me personally, if that makes any sort of sense. I can "deal"with it better from a distance i.e. by letter. Besides Saturday  is the one day her hubby comes out and I don't want to deprive him because of what she has done, after that the rest will be up to, or 'down to her .

This is my letter so far. 

Dear ***,

I have a few things to say .. I know it will upset you, and you will feel hurt, but it is something I can no longer “hide” for want of a better word.

I am quite happy in my little flat, while it may not be ideal to your point of view; I have only just started to feel like it is my home. It has taken me a lot to get to that point, and I have no intention of starting from square one again.  It is close to my family, my old neighbours.

As to my job search, I wouldn’t dream of passing on anyone else’s details without asking them. Nor would I try to set them up with an employer. I don’t want to have to do a long commute, from one side of Norwich to the other. I spent seven years teaching people how to job search –I know how to do applications, interviews etc.

Going way back to when I was at school, I was bullied for a number of years and it really did for my confidence, which has only just started to come back in the last couple of months – doing a cookery course, the PR for Door to Door, and going on the TV programme. Every time you say i should be doing this or that it chips way at that confidence, and that I cannot allow.

I do feel at times you are trying to organize my life for me, there are now some times when I don’t look forward to our meeting up for coffee, as I am worrying about what you will suggest/advise what I do for this and that, I feel I have to be on my guard all the time, that is no way to feel about a friend. It has taken out the pleasure I have had in the past.

I have no doubt that you mean well in what you do and suggest, but if you keep trying to get me to move to near you, and get a job near you … 

stuck on this last bit ? I feel we can no longer be friends??????

Regards ***



PS after all that, I am off to forget about it and enjoy my voluntary work on the bus for the day.

[JaneJ]

I would finish on a positive like...............

I have really valued our friendship over the years. You have been very supportive and kind to me. I am sorry it has to end on this sad note.

i wish all the well for your future.

Just a suggestion Liz. It is hard ending letters of a delicate subject. I think it is wonderful you have the confidence to do ths and put your foot down and refuse to be treated like this. You certainly inspire me with all the things you do and that you can follow through and say something is not acceptable.

Go Liz!!!! Here is a  va++++ for you when you have sent it!!!

Big hugs my amazing friend

xxxx

hu**** hu**** hu**** hu**** hu****

[chenrezig]

Thanks for that Jane, I didn't want to end on such a negative note.

To you and the rest of you, I decided not to drag it out into Saturday, and make a clean break of sorts. I sent her a text as follows..

"Dear ***,

Something rather personal has come up and I need a few days to sort myself out. Sorry but I won't be in the city tomorrow"

I really don't feel up to seeing her and having to put on a false face when I know that letter is on its way to her. A t the moment I feel rather mixed emotions, relief that I have almost got it out of the way, at least short term, and guilty almost about what I have done..

Again a huge thank you to all your support and suggestions and advice..I only hope I can offer the same support to other members of Chill who are in any sort of a dilemma  ...

Much love and huge respect for you all ..

Liz xx gpr

[maureenho]

Liz you have done the right thing and you will feel much better now for it taking control of your  life, but whatever you do  don't feel guilty about it.

[chenrezig]

Would you believe I have just had three calls from her after I texted her? I didn't answer them. She left a voicemail message saying she hopes she hasn't done or said anything to upset me.. she sounded really upset .. I wonder if I ought to send her the letter by email ?

[chenrezig]

Now five calls ...

[maureenho]

Liz if you told her something personal has come up why would she think she had done something wrong,
she probably is upset you are not going to meet her but she also know how to appeal to your better nature to change your mind.
My thoughts Liz are there is no point sending email when you have already said in a text that she has responded to.

Put yourself and your feelings first Liz.

[Misspears]

Liz your friend could be thinking of her own needs,and wants you nearer to her.

I would just make excuses up now and leave her to it

Not feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about

Thinking of you

Love Ann x

hu****

[chenrezig]

I have sent the letter by email, at least she got it quicker that way ... She has sent texts saying how she knows how forceful she can be, and that I should tell her to shut up... but it is not that easy or simple.

Ann, as to moving near her, it isn't negotiable or whatever word you care to use

Just got a voicemail - she has rung back after reading the letter, that everything I say is right, apologising profusely, that she recognises she has upset me "very, very badly". That she will try harder to avoid upsetting me, avoid telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

I know you will say I am daft and gone completely bonkers but I am inclined to give her one last chance, and if she makes a muddle of that.. that is it, I won't even contact her by letter, phone  or email or any other way.

If she truly values our "friendship" as much as she says she will stick to it, if not .. I have no hesitation about ending it - all this having come to a head today has made my mind up about it. I have the confidence to end it she needs me more than I need her,  that sounds ruthless to me but that is what I will do ...

Lizxx

[wendy]

Take the phone of the hook

[Sheila-Anne]

Just come onto chill, and read this thread.  Liz, I don't think I would be inclined to give her another chance. I've been in a similar place with my younger brother, and last week we came to blows and I put the phone down on him.  He then left a message saying he hopes to hear from me - I've now decided he's going to have a very long wait.  I feel so much better for not having to talk to him and keep taking all his criticism of me and my life, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Don't feel guilty about this at all.

[chenrezig]

I had a rethink but it was too long to delet the post .. I have sent her an email back saying I am haivng a complete break and will contact her afetr her hol .. that is four weeks away