10 lessons men can learn from 50 Shades ...

[chenrezig]

It’s less than a week before 50 Shades of Grey is released in cinemas and I am breathless with anticipation: this will be the perfect time to go and see something else at the pictures and virtually be guaranteed the place to myself.

I read 50 Shades of Grey because work made me. There were a few genuinely sexy scenes in the book, particularly the one where Christian bought Ana a brand new sports car and when he began a romantic encounter with these honeyed words: “Ready for some contraception?” That was pretty hot.

In the main, I was immune to Christian Grey’s charms and couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to be getting so heated about a book in which a dippy girl is swatted, blindfolded, trussed-up like a Christmas turkey, treated like a halfwit, stalked, humiliated and told what she can and can’t eat and what she can and can’t wear.

At one point, Christian tells Ana she can only snack on fruit and she needs to work out four times a week: it’s like having Katie Hopkins as a boyfriend.

If I, a feeble-minded woman who nevertheless insists on making her own decisions instead of waiting for a clever man to make them for her, find it difficult to comprehend the success of 50 Shades of Grey, I can only imagine what a minefield it is for men, who have had to stand by and watch their women read the turgid trilogy with a sense of growing fear and trepidation.

What message should straight men take from the popularity of 50 Shades? That all women are disappointed if they visit your house for the first time and you haven’t got your own red room of pain? That what women really 
want is a man who makes them 
sign a non-disclosure agreement before he’ll slip off his Y-fronts? That humour in a man is completely overrated and what we actually want is a man who designs us 
a fibre-packed eating programme, 
a bit like Gillian Keith but 
hopefully without the sifting sessions?

For the good of mankind, I have attempted to extricate the main lessons that can be learned from EL James’ erotic polemic, right.

* Stacia Briggs is away next week watching the 50 Shades of Grey film on a continual loop.

1. Surprises are overrated. Christian Grey is constantly surprising the unlikely object of his affection, Anastasia Steele, with treats and trinkets which range from a sports car (good) to persistent stalking (bad). He surprises her when she finds out that his utility room is actually a torture garden filled with manacles and whips. But in real life, most women hate surprises unless they involve diamonds. In a recent survey, 60 per cent of women confessed they hate surprises with a third admitting they would be annoyed if their partner sprang a holiday on them because they’d have no time to prepare for it. If you want exact figures, women want seven days and 11 hours notice before even the shortest break. Spontaneity should only involve carbon which has been subjected to intense heat and crushing pressure. To be fair, however, the research also revealed the most likely surprise a man is likely to spring on his partner is… a takeaway.

2. Real women will not sign a non-disclosure agreement before spending the night with you. Do not suggest it. If you do suggest it, do not be surprised if the object of your desire takes a running jump out of the nearest window when they read the clause in which you’ve romantically stated that you’re not planning any “acts involving fire play…” Yet. In reality, the most you can ask for is that they think twice before rating your performance on Facebook the next day.

3. Most women would prefer an Off-White Room With Comfortable Sofas And Perhaps A Throw or Two than a Red Room of Pain.

4. Even if a woman drunk-dials you, it is not cool to use sophisticated software in order to track her mobile phone signal and immediately drive to the precise spot where she is about to vomit into a bush. Asking if she would like you to drive to where she is to help is one thing, tracking her via GPS and arriving in time to hold back her hair while she redecorates the shrubbery is quite another.

5. Hiring a maid who washes your girlfriend’s underwear while she sleeps isn’t cute. It’s creepy.

6. Don’t stand around saying things like: “Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested. We’re not carrying deadweight. I don’t need any more lame excuses. Have Marco call me. And tell Barney the prototype looks good, but I’m not sure about the interface”…unless you are trying to look like the biggest idiot on the planet.

7. There is only one thing worse than a real ale bore and that’s a wine bore. No one in their right mind cares if a wine is amusingly playful or leaves a hint of damsons on the tongue or is filled with balsamic mushroom notes that erupt like an alcoholic Vesuvius in your cake hole – there are two things that are important about wine: that it doesn’t taste off and that it gets you drunk. Christian Grey is, of course, a wine bore. When he pours Anastasia a glass of Champagne, he can’t help himself: “Bollinger Grande Annee Rose 1999, an excellent vintage”. It takes him half an hour to order a gin and tonic because he has to have it made specifically depending on which gin is used. OH BORE OFF CHRISTIAN YOU MASSIVE NINNY.

8. Pouncing on a woman unannounced in a lift may not always work out well for you.

9. Do not assume that just because lots of women read a book about a deluded twit who agrees to be paddled on the backside by a pretentious sociopath it means they all secretly harbour the hope that a chap will come along and offer to give them a pasting on the bottom. The key is to speak to your partner and listen to her hopes, dreams and desires. Something a bit like this. You: “Have you ever secretly thought it would be really smashing if I swatted you on the backside while simultaneously designing you eating programmes that involve fruit-based snacks?” Her: “No”. Be prepared to leave this debate swiftly.

10. Being a sociopathic, sadistic creepy weirdo isn’t OK because you’re a devastatingly handsome super-billionaire, but it does help a bit.


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