Hands up if you still get it!!!

[JaneJ]

The joke about celibacy got me thinking yesterday.

I am still in my prime (45 years young) and been caring for over 10 years. During this time celibacy has gradually become part of my life. Not intentionally or by choice.

As my husband suffers chronic pain intimacy has been a problem. Now it has been over 18 months (I won't bore you with the exact amount of days and hours 0 not that I've counted!!) since I have had sex. Before that it was an everyday occurrance that dwindled to annually over the last 7-8 years.

We talk about it from time to time but (no that doesn't count as oral!!)

the thing is not all of this situation is about capability. Because as hubby says for a good time he is prepared to grit his teeth in pain (Be still my beating heart!) However the reason mainly is that I see him as a patient or caree and he still sees me as a woman. Over the years I have washed, wiped, mopped up after, cared, lifted, changed dressings, supported depression and put up with various mood swings. It may be just me but I don't find that sexy.

Due to depression and inability to move much my husband refused to wash and clean his teeth for a couple of years. He still can go days when he won't do it but at least it is shorter periods. he is left with decaying teeth causing bad breath and to be honest it really doesn't make me want to go in for a good snog (do people even use this word any more? i am so out of date!)

Again it aint sexy. So now I am celibate. So what can I do to change my mind frame and image of him and return him to a sexual person. I don't even see myself as a sexual being. it feels like somehow i have missed my moment.

It's difficult because we were always a very physical and experimental couple so loosing this has had quite an impact on us both.

Obviously he literally will have to clean up his act but even then I'm not sure I could be bothered now. How sad is that. A cuppa and an episode of corrie is more appealing.

So are you still getting it? If so how do you overcome difficulties and obstacles.

Do you miss it?

Do you feel quite bereft at the loss of such a  special moment with your OH?

I hope we can discuss it and share experiences.

Love and support

[Alun]

Hands UP!!!!!!!

Hi Jane, thanks for sharing this, I too consider myself in my prime even at 59 there is what I consider based on my mothers genes another 30 years to go lol. So knowing my sex is now over is very hard to come to terms with.
My partner, we met about 8 years ago she has Muscular Dystrophy and has been wheelchair bound for over 20 years, she needs a hoist to transfer but still has movement in her upper body. I did not see this as an obstacle to the feelings I had for her and it certainly wasn't an obstacle with regard our sex life, you just need imagination and passion. About 5 years ago we moved out of London to the country to be near her mother and things went downhill from then, quite quickly the sex got less frequent and it stopped when she announced her Libido had gone. There had been various excuses/reasons before that but that seemed to be the most final to me, no discussion, no suggestion of investigating options it was just, well I told you when we met it might not last. If when we met sex was not on the cards I suppose I would have thought about our future at the time, but there was a lot of passion between us from the beginning and I did realise that at some point in the future that her condition would worsen and sex would become more difficult, but it was like one day she was shouting "don't stop" and the next "its over" .

I am a tactile person always have been and I express my feelings with touch, a cuddle , a caress a kiss are all how I demonstrate that and sex is another stage of intimacy, it doesn't have to be there every time but knowing its a possibility makes all the difference. In the last 5 years my intimacy has got to the stage of one kiss at bedtime when I put her to bed, I stay up till 3am most nights because lying in bed next to someone who doesn't want me is too hard to bear. I have tried in the early years to talk and try and find ways to encourage her passion, but it is final and a year ago she discovered she has type 2 diabetes and health visitor told her thats why she lost her libido!!!!!!!!!! Her doctor says its unlikely but the internet is a wonderful place to feed your assumptions.

I miss it every day, and find it difficult to cope, I am her sole carer and that means I do everything for her, toileting, shower, dressing, putting her to bed, meals, housework etc. She doesn't want anyone else tending her personal needs, so showering has become very disconnected, it has turned me off completely and there is no way now I would become sexually attracted to her again, it is a chore now when it used to be a pleasure.

I still need relief though, the thoughts haven't diminished and because I have no privacy or time to myself its always late at night when she is asleep that I satisfy my urge(not sure what is permitted lol).

Loss of a sex life is treated like a joke for most, and certainly when I have posted on other forums women have come back and told me to just switch off like they do, we have a few friends and if the subject of sex comes up the women do seem to treat it like a phase that passes when you get older. Its not a joke its a part of life and a way of expressing love and caring.

I'm glad to see you express your views here Jane (and no that doesn't count as oral!!) I can understand your feelings of not wanting to go in for a snog(such a good expressive word) there are times when my wife hasn't been the sweet smelling enticing person she used to be too. But this idea that you don't feel sexy because you deal with his hygiene was one of the reasons early on with my wife but as I said to her at the time its just stuff you have to deal with on a daily basis, its not about who you are, I get up go to the loo, shower, get dressed in order to start the day, what happens after that is more important!

Take Care

[JaneJ]

Thank you Alun for being so open. It is such a hard subject.

It is so nice that someone understands. Trying to explain to "normal" couples is impossible. They can't comprehend how cleaning someone you love in a medical way does change the relationship dynamic. It's not like you both sharing an intimate moment in the bathroom as a prelude to something more adventurous in the bedroom!

I don't know what it will take for me to see Lee as a sexual person again.

I wonder if it is different for men than women? Do women manage to suppress frustration better (that's why chocolate was invented!) than men? As time has gone on I've found myself feeling less inclined. is it a matter of use or lose it? I know my depression doesn't help in that area, but even if it wasn't a regular occurrence to blow the cobwebs off once in a while would be nice!!

I hope others will comment on this it would be nice to know if we a re normal!! Lol

Best wishes

x

[wendy]

Jane, I think you will find there is no 'normal' on such an important issue of human life, just a matter of getting through the good times and the bad together.

[Alun]

Hi Jane

Its good to be able to talk about it with someone who feels the same, I'm sure there are others out there with the same problem, and I know there is a lot more to talk about on the subject, so difficult to try and explain everything in a few paragraphs.

We are all different and do express ourselves in different ways, don't think its a case of men and women you've just proved that by posting and I've tried chocolate it doesn't make any difference lol. Still think about it every 43 seconds :-D

It may be you feel less inclined because you feel rejected in a way, its a coping mechanism I suppose. Yes "blowing the cobwebs off" once in a while  would be nice!!!! 

We are normal lol

take care x

[maureenho]

What is 'normal' for one person is not necessary 'normal' for another, and not just about how much sex you get or don't get, some people go through life having never experienced sex by choice, some can't live without it.

When a partner becomes ill and life change to a caring role everything else changes with it, it's something no one has any control over, it's no ones fault.

[Alun]

I think the word normal does apply to everyone, its just a way of saying whatever we believe or feel is normal to us, I don't think we are using the word to say if you feel different you are abnormal. Its just a word that helps us feel normal. And we are not laying any blame on anyone here, this is just an expression of how we feel, we maybe carers but we do have a life and we shouldn't feel guilty for this.

[wendy]

I hope you dont feel guilty, I don't understand your post.
Why should you?

[Alun]

Shame not many takers on the subject :(

[maureenho]

Shame there isn't many takers on the hundreds of interesting subjects on the forum, or may be they are just far to busy getting it  xmas19

[Alun]

ah so this isn't interesting and everyone is getting it!!!!

[debzsanderson]

My relationship is now "one sided" affection. I still find it hard not being able to have a cuddle and feel Mark holding me. We still have kissing and that can be passionate. To be honest I don't often think about that side of our relationship anymore.

[maureenho]

Well it is interesting, but like I said there are hundreds of interesting topics on the forum, many topics where members are having a really tough time and in need of member support,  the last thing on their minds is 'getting it'

[quote="Alun"]
ah so this isn't interesting and everyone is getting it!!!!
[/quote]

[debzsanderson]

tha22222 Maureen

[Alun]

I do look at and offer support to other posts, as I did with this one when Jane raised it. I agree there are many things out there that concern carers in their daily lives. But relationships are important too.
This is an open forum yet I get the feeling I'm being told to stop talking about this!

[maureenho]

Feel free to talk about it as much as you like Alun,  my point is we have members on chill who's partners have died or their partners are seriously ill or very old, also those who are not in any kind of personal relationship and may be don't feel they can contribute to this topic that is far away from their caring situation.

[wendy]

For those who are interested there is this blog
http://vixpix.org/blog/ed-erectile-dysf ... mainly-me/

taken from Aluns posts on The Carers Trust

http://www.carers.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13243