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Carers Chill4us | Carers message board Fighting back against carers isolation 2014-09-12T20:19:27+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/feed.php?f=29&t=49003 2014-09-12T20:19:27+00:00 2014-09-12T20:19:27+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314920#p314920 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 20:19

]]> 2014-09-12T20:16:15+00:00 2014-09-12T20:16:15+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314919#p314919 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by Sheila-Anne — 12 Sep 2014, 20:16

]]> 2014-09-12T19:49:17+00:00 2014-09-12T19:49:17+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314917#p314917 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by wendy — 12 Sep 2014, 19:49

]]> 2014-09-12T19:22:43+00:00 2014-09-12T19:22:43+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314916#p314916 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
Ann, as to moving near her, it isn't negotiable or whatever word you care to use

Just got a voicemail - she has rung back after reading the letter, that everything I say is right, apologising profusely, that she recognises she has upset me "very, very badly". That she will try harder to avoid upsetting me, avoid telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

I know you will say I am daft and gone completely bonkers but I am inclined to give her one last chance, and if she makes a muddle of that.. that is it, I won't even contact her by letter, phone  or email or any other way.

If she truly values our "friendship" as much as she says she will stick to it, if not .. I have no hesitation about ending it - all this having come to a head today has made my mind up about it. I have the confidence to end it she needs me more than I need her,  that sounds ruthless to me but that is what I will do ...

Lizxx

Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 19:22

]]> 2014-09-12T18:46:06+00:00 2014-09-12T18:46:06+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314913#p314913 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
I would just make excuses up now and leave her to it

Not feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about

Thinking of you

Love Ann x

hu****

Statistics: Posted by Misspears — 12 Sep 2014, 18:46

]]> 2014-09-12T18:24:36+00:00 2014-09-12T18:24:36+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314912#p314912 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> she probably is upset you are not going to meet her but she also know how to appeal to your better nature to change your mind.
My thoughts Liz are there is no point sending email when you have already said in a text that she has responded to.

Put yourself and your feelings first Liz.

Statistics: Posted by maureenho — 12 Sep 2014, 18:24

]]> 2014-09-12T18:16:29+00:00 2014-09-12T18:16:29+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314911#p314911 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 18:16

]]> 2014-09-12T18:07:58+00:00 2014-09-12T18:07:58+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314910#p314910 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 18:07

]]> 2014-09-12T17:40:30+00:00 2014-09-12T17:40:30+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314907#p314907 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> Statistics: Posted by maureenho — 12 Sep 2014, 17:40

]]> 2014-09-12T16:04:50+00:00 2014-09-12T16:04:50+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314903#p314903 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
To you and the rest of you, I decided not to drag it out into Saturday, and make a clean break of sorts. I sent her a text as follows..

"Dear ***,

Something rather personal has come up and I need a few days to sort myself out. Sorry but I won't be in the city tomorrow"

I really don't feel up to seeing her and having to put on a false face when I know that letter is on its way to her. A t the moment I feel rather mixed emotions, relief that I have almost got it out of the way, at least short term, and guilty almost about what I have done..

Again a huge thank you to all your support and suggestions and advice..I only hope I can offer the same support to other members of Chill who are in any sort of a dilemma  ...

Much love and huge respect for you all ..

Liz xx gpr

Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 16:04

]]> 2014-09-12T09:22:17+00:00 2014-09-12T09:22:17+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314881#p314881 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
I have really valued our friendship over the years. You have been very supportive and kind to me. I am sorry it has to end on this sad note.

i wish all the well for your future.

Just a suggestion Liz. It is hard ending letters of a delicate subject. I think it is wonderful you have the confidence to do ths and put your foot down and refuse to be treated like this. You certainly inspire me with all the things you do and that you can follow through and say something is not acceptable.

Go Liz!!!! Here is a  va++++ for you when you have sent it!!!

Big hugs my amazing friend

xxxx

hu**** hu**** hu**** hu**** hu****

Statistics: Posted by JaneJ — 12 Sep 2014, 09:22

]]> 2014-09-12T07:00:35+00:00 2014-09-12T06:55:07+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314880#p314880 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
I was thinking of phoning her tonight.  But I am going to meet her tomorrow, and I will post the letter to her in the box outside where we meet for coffee at the same time. It seems sort of symbolic for me personally, if that makes any sort of sense. I can "deal"with it better from a distance i.e. by letter. Besides Saturday  is the one day her hubby comes out and I don't want to deprive him because of what she has done, after that the rest will be up to, or 'down to her .

This is my letter so far. 

Dear ***,

I have a few things to say .. I know it will upset you, and you will feel hurt, but it is something I can no longer “hide” for want of a better word.

I am quite happy in my little flat, while it may not be ideal to your point of view; I have only just started to feel like it is my home. It has taken me a lot to get to that point, and I have no intention of starting from square one again.  It is close to my family, my old neighbours.

As to my job search, I wouldn’t dream of passing on anyone else’s details without asking them. Nor would I try to set them up with an employer. I don’t want to have to do a long commute, from one side of Norwich to the other. I spent seven years teaching people how to job search –I know how to do applications, interviews etc.

Going way back to when I was at school, I was bullied for a number of years and it really did for my confidence, which has only just started to come back in the last couple of months – doing a cookery course, the PR for Door to Door, and going on the TV programme. Every time you say i should be doing this or that it chips way at that confidence, and that I cannot allow.

I do feel at times you are trying to organize my life for me, there are now some times when I don’t look forward to our meeting up for coffee, as I am worrying about what you will suggest/advise what I do for this and that, I feel I have to be on my guard all the time, that is no way to feel about a friend. It has taken out the pleasure I have had in the past.

I have no doubt that you mean well in what you do and suggest, but if you keep trying to get me to move to near you, and get a job near you … 

stuck on this last bit ? I feel we can no longer be friends??????

Regards ***



PS after all that, I am off to forget about it and enjoy my voluntary work on the bus for the day.

Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 12 Sep 2014, 06:55

]]> 2014-09-12T01:05:16+00:00 2014-09-12T01:05:16+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314878#p314878 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]> hu****
x

Statistics: Posted by Honey — 12 Sep 2014, 01:05

]]> 2014-09-11T18:12:42+00:00 2014-09-11T18:12:42+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314865#p314865 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
I do wonder if she is getting some form of dementia at times, re insisting we had agreed to meet on such n such date, when  I had told her I wasn't free. She refuses to believe it is ehr at fault.

For some reason I seem to attract people who are "in need" and it leaves me feeling really drained... being a Carer for Dad is one thing - family, but not getting dragged into caring for her as I can see where this might go if she had her way, but she isn't! If she wants to have one big row that is up to her, she will lose...

I can be really stubborn when I want to, and apart from not having a job at the moment I am quite happy with the way my life is, I have my hobbies, my knitting group who are mostly my own age, and weho i go out for meals with, and do daft thinngs woth (like going to the Palladium and being filmed for ITV !)  I have my voluntary work -with D2D, and the PACT shop across the road.  ... And of course my family ... including three great-nephews/nieces with another on the way !

MNo, Wendy, Jane, you have out excatky how I feel about it - I haven't looked on it as a friendship for some time now, and I have been trying to come with a nice (is there a nice way???) of breaking it up.

I will meet up this weekend as we arranged but after that weekend I will write her a letter and leave it at that ... up to her what she does next ...

Many thanks to all of you for what you have said, and your support, I wouldn't have dared to discuss this with anyone else other than in Chill., that is how much I respect and value its members ...

A huge hug to every single one of you ..

With much love

Liz xxxxx

Statistics: Posted by chenrezig — 11 Sep 2014, 18:12

]]> 2014-09-11T17:50:32+00:00 2014-09-11T17:50:32+00:00 https://www.chill4uscarers.co.uk/forums/viewtopic.php?t=49003&p=314860#p314860 <![CDATA[Re: Advice please ??/]]>
Are you particularly close friends or long term?

I can see why you are concerned. I am concerned for you too. Looking at this with no other information from what you have put this lady sounds like she may have some mental health issues. I don't mean to be disrespectful but someone who sets up flat viewings and gives your number out for jobs is not what I would call friendship. I have some very close friends and also my family would never do this.

If a friendship makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious that isn't a friendship at all. look at other friends you have and how they love and respect you. they are supportive and unconditional in their feelings towards you I am sure.

sometimes it is easir to look at it through someone elses eyes. If you read the post you put as if it came from one of us how would you feel and what would you say>

You are a very strong and independent lady. You are clever and confident in things you do. Please don't let this lady take this away from you and make you doubt yourself and feel the way you do.

I do hope I haven't upset you with this reply but i am genuinely concerned for my lovey friend.

Take care Liz

xxx

gpr gpr gpr gpr

Statistics: Posted by JaneJ — 11 Sep 2014, 17:50

]]>